Unofficial Poetry #1
The first Unofficial Poetry newsletter... unofficially
Literally writing this while in Jesus mode (this newsletter has less than 20 followers who I all know personally. Also, I’m God maybe). Welcome to the unofficial beginning of the Unofficial Poetry newsletter, unofficially. You can expect this newsletter to unceremoniously drop into your Inbox the first Wednesday of every month, unless of course I forget or change my mind or get bored.
For context, I started writing poetry in 2020, which was a super chill time to be alive. I looked around, saw the world and the fabric of society crumbling before my eyes, and I thought “how can I make this… about me?”. And y’all? Let’s just say…
Thats right!!! I did it! But in all actuality, poetry has given me a lot and not just in the form of writing very odd, often mediocre poems! I now consider the likes of Mary Oliver, Tayi Tibble, Claudia Rankine, and Catherine Cohen to have literally raised me (I’m 28 btw). Poetry has broken me open in ways I didn’t think possible, ways the United States’ status as a global superpower should be worried about. Y’all don’t know about me! Except for all the ways in which you do!
Okay well this has been the intro. I hope you enjoy this month’s poems! If you do, please tell your friends about this newsletter! If you don't, please tell your friends about this newsletter! I don’t care if my poems are good! Only that they’re online!
Poem #1
I Wrote This Poem After I Saw A Headline That Said “A Sexually Transmitted Fungus Is Making Trillions of Cicadas Hypersexual And Gay” And I Thought That Was Really Topical But No One Else Did And That’s When I Realized That Maybe Being Sixteen During The Summer Of 2012 And Having To Running Through A Wall Of Cicadas To Get Into Your House After Working At The Local Amusement Park And Having One Get Stuck In Your Hair Isn’t A Universal Experience
Fun for the whole brood
That’s what a group of cicadas is called
Because they hatch
I love when science does what it’s supposed to do
Which is be gross and annoying
I like that cicadas come out every 17 years
It’s important to know that not everything you have to say is interesting
Personally it kills me to know that I’ll be in a nursing home
talking about Lea Michele vs. Naya Rivera
Sorry I never finished this poem
I saw a girl in the passenger seat of a jeep
getting head in Bushwick
(They said it couldn’t be done)
And I was just like
“Wow... her life rocks”
Poem #2
Sorry I Missed Your Text I Was Writing This Poem As I Milked A Battery Aka Vaping Outside The Prada Store After I Got Lunch With My High School Theater Teacher And Learned That One Of My Classmates’ Dads Went To Prison For A Year Because He Joined The “Family Business” Which Was The Mafia And He Was Bad At It I Guess???
On the train ride here
I listened to a guy get into a fight with this girl
Who looked like she went to NYU in the bad way
He said he couldn’t imagine why she said
“You shouldn’t be having sex if you don’t want kids”
I can
Everyone is scared of pleasure
Without “earning it”,
Not me!!!!!!!
I have never needed to earn anything to enjoy it
Life happens to you whether you use a treadmill or not
Now he’s explaining how
condoms also prevent diseases
She said “You can’t solve a problem you started”
Clearly she had never heard of
any war that the United States has been in
ever
This is why I keep saying we have to stop invening
We have enough
Enough problems
Enough misinformation
Enough gay fashion designers in movies being like “hmmmm there’s something missing”
I’m really not trying to be rude but
Literally what am I talking about?
Poem #3
This Is A Poem I Wrote After I Read Frances Cobain’s Instagram Post For The 30th Anniversary Of Her Dad’s Passing Where She Said “there is no greater motivation for leaning into loving awareness than knowing everything ends” And I Was Like Oh Damn
When I’m like “I wish life would get on with it!!”
I have stop and take stock of what that means
It means the end
Of everything
Of day dreaming I’m on Glee every time I hear a new song that they would have undoubtedly ruined with a harmony that the human ear can’t begin to process
Of seeing my friends date people with names that feel made up and then reminding them about it 8 years later
Of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst
Of praying to God once every five years and saying “yep that’ll do” afterwards
Of my cat hitting me in the face at 9:00am when her food bowl is empty
Of radical acceptance
Of how every time it rains everyone acts like it’s only happening to them
Of walking through the park at 2:00pm while a drug addict with a speaker on a hand truck plays “So Emotional” by Whitney Houston and everyone is just like “yea for sure…”
I love knowing nothing matters
Because it means it all has to
Poem #4
This is a poem I read aloud at my live comedy show (groundbreaking). Tbh it kind of flopped (humble!!!) but I have big plans for her so don’t act brand new when this one pops back up in a later newsletter okay!?? Just be like really chill about it tysm.
Poem #5
(This is actually one of the first poems I ever wrote!!! It’s dated 8/26/20 at 10:02pm cause literally what else was there to do???)
Choke Me
Today I read one chapter
of an anti-racism book
Problem solved!
As the doctors say
America is collapsing around us
and I’m just like
“Siri how do I lose 10 pounds in a week?”
When scientists in the year 2020
discover anything other the vaccine
It’s just like…
keep it to yourself
Oh also what
year of quarantine is it tomorrow?
That’s it!!!!!!!!!!
Feel free to comment, even freer to share, and I’ll see you all in July… unofficially. In the meantime though, I’ll be performing with Reunion Comedy at The Players Theater on June 28th! You can buy your tickets here. Hope to see you there (Once again, I know every person currently subscribed to this newsletter personally)!